Hands Clean
by Victoria1127
Summary: The second in a series of 20 Kurt/Finn fics based on a playlist I made. 2- Hands Clean by Alanis Morissette  WARNING:  REALLY LONG AND REALLY ANGSTY


Hands Clean

_Ooh, this could get messy_

_But ooh, you don't seem to mind_

_And ooh, don't go telling everybody_

_We'll fast forward to a few years later_

_And no one knows except the both of us_

_..._

Will Schuester died on a cold Tuesday in October.

Finn was lying in bed when the phone rang. He would normally have ignored it and rolled over and gone back to sleep, but the ring had woken the baby and Rachel was already halfway to the nursery on the second ring, so he answered it.

"Hello?"

"Finn?" A familiar female voice hit Finn's ear.

"Quinn Fabray?"

"Yeah. Mr. Schue died this morning." She was crying.

"Oh, my God."

"Miss Pillsbury—uhm...Mrs. Schuester –wanted to know if the old club could get together and sing something for the funeral..."

Rachel came back into the room holding their son, Christopher (Finn was content on calling him Chris, but Rachel wanted to call him Topher and they just couldn't agree). She stopped in her tracks when she saw the look on Finn's face. "What happened?"

Two hours later, they had packed up the car, headed toward Lima. Finn actually hadn't seen his mother and Burt since Christopher's birth two months ago. He spent the holidays with Rachel's family, who had all uprooted and moved to New York to be with them, so times with his parents were rare.

"We all knew this would happen...but it's still heartbreaking." Rachel replied, curled up in the front seat.

Mr. Schuester had been diagnosed with brain cancer soon after they graduated. He wasn't expected to live longer than six months, but he ended up living 8 more years. If anything, they should have been surprised that it had taken this long. But even as far away as they were, a life without Mr. Schue was a concept Finn couldn't grasp. Mr. Schue was the reason Finn became a teacher. Mr. Schue was one of the groomsmen at his wedding. He just didn't know what to do with himself.

"Finn." Rachel whispered, patting him on the shoulder. "At least there's something good to come out of this. You haven't seen your parents since Topher was born. You haven't seen Kurt—"

"I know." Finn didn't want to talk about Kurt with Rachel. She had attempted to talk to him about Kurt several times in the last few years. She was always met with hostility or silence.

Finn could still remember every moment of what happened.

...

Kurt's head rested lightly against Finn's warm, bare chest. Burt had to go out of town to get a part for a car he was working on and Carole went with him, leaving their two boys alone for the weekend. They'd been living together for the better part of a year, and Carole especially was very proud to say their two boys had become best friends.

Best friends. That's even what Finn and Kurt called their relationship, even though they spent a generous amount of their alone time naked and writhing in pleasure. This had been going on for a couple of months. They both still remembered the conversation that started it all...

_Finn had just gotten home from a date with Rachel. "...so, me and Rachel made out for like 20 minutes, and she let me touch her boobs! Well, sort of her boobs...it was like, just under them, but—"_

"_Ugh, I'm so sick of hearing the same thing over and over again...you made out, you nearly touched her boobs. I get it."_

"_Oh. Well, you can talk about something you've done if you want..." Kurt noticed Finn shifting uncomfortably._

"_You don't want to hear it." Kurt sighed, crossing his legs. He sat on the edge of his bed, his long, thin legs hanging daintily in the small gap between his bed and the chair Finn was sitting in._

_Finn had to agree, but it was only fair. "You hear me talk about Rachel all the time. Come on, what has been your...erm...hottest make out session ever?" Finn folded his hands behind his head._

"_I don't have anything to say. I've only made out with one person, and it was Brittany. It wasn't 'hot', it was weird."_

"_Oh." Finn let this sink in for a moment. Poor Kurt. Kurt never had kissed a boy. Finn could barely even remember his first kiss...Santana, when they were in kindergarten. Under the slide at recess. Kurt never had that. He just had a make out session with a cheerleader that he wasn't even attracted to, and not because he wanted to, but because he wanted to make his dad happy._

"_Yeah, OH." Kurt looked and sounded irritated._

"_I'll kiss you."_

_It happened so fast. Kurt stammered in protest, but was silenced by Finn's mouth. The kiss lasted only a moment, but much to Kurt's embarrassment, the chaste kiss produced an obvious erection in the tight pants he was wearing. Finn noticed._

_His initial reaction was to act like he hadn't noticed._

_But then he thought about how he and Rachel had been dating for a year now, and she was only just now letting him sort of get close to her boobs. And how she wanted to wait until they were married to have sex. And how she didn't want to get married until they were 25. 9 years is a long time to wait when you are so horny that there are teeth marks in the headboard when you wake up. And it was so good to see someone so turned on by him, even if it was Kurt...Rachel always looked bored when he kissed her. _

_This is when he decided to ignore his initial reaction and kiss Kurt again, this time palming his crotch._

The rest, as they say, is history. It was just like clockwork—Finn and Rachel would go out on their mandatory Friday night date, and then Finn would come home just in time for Burt and Carole to go on _their _Friday night date...and the minute the car left the driveway, Finn and Kurt were fucking each other like it was going out of style.

Kurt knew not to get his hopes up about this. He knew he was little more that a boredom fuck—getting laid because Finn couldn't get it anywhere else. However, Kurt noticed something interesting.

The first time, it was really awkward afterward. Finn lay in Kurt's bed briefly, trying to recover, and then quickly went to his room without a word. The second time was much the same. The next several times, Finn put some clothes on and talked to Kurt for a while. After that, Finn stayed in bed with Kurt and cuddled after. Soon enough, they were sleeping in the same bed whenever their parents were gone, and they cuddled and kissed and talked. Just like a real couple.

So there they were on a lazy Saturday morning. Kurt began to kiss Finn's chest gently, trailing little kisses from his collarbone to his stomach. He slid his hand down to grab Finn's bare hip. Finn's eyes fluttered open. He looked down at Kurt and smiled.

"Good morning." he said fondly, his eyes trained on Kurt's soft, pink lips making their way back up his body.

"Good morning." Kurt smiled back, kissing Finn on the mouth. "What are we doing today?"

Finn's face took on that mischievous grin Kurt loved so much. "Oh, I don't know." Finn flipped Kurt onto his back and started kissing him all over his body—face, neck, chest, down his stomach...and lower. Kurt groaned a little, but couldn't completely enjoy it for the question on his mind.

"Finn, what about Rachel?"

Finn stopped immediately and grunted. "Kurt, we agreed we wouldn't mention her when we're...you know..."

"I know." Kurt sighed. "But can we talk about it for a minute?"

"Fine." Finn crawled back up to Kurt's side and wrapped his arms around him. "What's wrong?"

"Finn...how long are we going to do this without telling her?"

"What? You want to tell her?"

"No! That's not what I was saying...I just don't think this is fair to her..."

Finn rolled his eyes. "Since when do you care about her feelings?"

"Since..." Kurt took a deep breath. It was now or never. "...since I started thinking about our future."

This got Finn's attention. He let go of Kurt and rolled onto his stomach, looking perplexed. "Our future?"

"Yeah. We've been getting really..._really_ close lately. I mean, I know this started out kind of as a friends with benefits kind of thing, but...haven't you noticed that things are changing? I mean, we fucked last night and then made out for a while, and then cuddled all night...and now getting ready to spend the day the same way. We're closer now than when we started...things have changed. What's going to happen when Rachel finds out?"

Finn shifted uncomfortably, a move Kurt had now come to recognize as Finn's unconscious way of telling him that he _so_ didn't want to go there. Preferably not ever. He had to have an answer, though. It was killing him inside. He kept his eyes on Finn, unwavering, waiting.

"I don't plan on her finding out." Finn finally said, heaving a heavy sigh.

Kurt sat up immediately. "What do you mean?"

"I mean..." Finn ruffled his own hair, thinking. "...can't we just enjoy the fun we're having right now?"

"Enjoy the fun we're having right now," Kurt repeated dejectedly.

"Yeah, you know..." Finn was confused by Kurt's sudden change of mood. Didn't he just cuddle with him all night? Wasn't he about to give Kurt the blowjob of his life before he brought up this telling Rachel nonsense? "...just have fun like we normally do? Why should we worry about the future?"

"Because I want to know whether or not I can count on you being in it." Kurt's eyes were the bluest when he was very upset, Finn noticed. Kurt's eyes were the clearest blue he'd ever seen them. Finn couldn't tell whether the pang in his chest was his heart breaking for Kurt or for himself.

"Kurt...you're my best friend. Of course we'll be in each other's futures."

"Right." Kurt sighed, his eyes filling with tears. "But how?"

"I know what you're asking, Kurt...and please, do we have to go there right now?" He pushed Kurt gently onto his back and ghosted over one of his nipples with his tongue. "Can't we play a little bit before we have to be serious?"

"Ahhh..." Kurt's heart was screaming at him to finish the conversation, but his brain was pleading with him to do whatever was necessary to make sure Finn continued. "...I...mmmm..."

"That's what I thought." Finn grinned, his hand reaching under the covers and wrapping around Kurt, eliciting a loud moan from him.

"No, wait!" Kurt almost hated himself for stopping again because it felt _so good_ and Finn was _so sexy_ and they both wanted it _so badly_. "Don't you think that if we keep this up, Rachel is going to find out?"

"Look," Finn said with a sigh, not taking his hand off of Kurt. "this is going to get complicated. But I don't care. I like how I feel when I'm with you. Isn't that enough?"

Kurt's heart melted. "I guess it is...for now."

Finn slowly began to move his hand up and down. "So...we don't have to tell anybody?"

Kurt's eyes began to glaze over, a wide grin spread across his face. "That's fine..." he replied dreamily as Finn meticulously worked with his hands and tongue.

Hours later, when they were both in a pleasure-induced coma, Kurt realized that he had gotten his answer. He silently began to cry.

...

"Finn, this would be a great opportunity to get back in touch with Kurt..."

"He's mad at me. I'm not mad at him."

"I can't imagine what could have possibly happened between you two that has kept you from talking for nearly ten years." Finn grunted. "You know you can talk to me if you need—"

"I haven't wanted to talk about it for 8 years, Rachel. What makes you think I want to talk about it now?"

Rachel rested her cheek against her knee. "I'm your wife, Finn. It's the only thing I don't know about you."

"Well, secrets are healthy."

"Says who?"

"Look, I'm not going to talk about Ku...him." He couldn't even bring himself to say his name.

...

Finn stretched out on Kurt's bed and patted the space next to him for Kurt to lie down next to him. Kurt rolled his eyes.

"I have plans tonight."

"Plans?" Finn's head snapped up to look at Kurt. Kurt hadn't had plans on their Fridays since they started messing around over a year ago. He had been acting so weird lately. He assumed it was because graduation was coming up in less than a month.

"Yeah. Is it okay if I have a social life?" Kurt was mad. Finn could tell, but he couldn't even begin to fathom why.

"Yeah, of course." Finn sat up and crossed his legs on the bed. "Where are you going?"

"Not that it's any of your business," Kurt snapped, digging in his closet for a scarf, "but I have a date tonight."

"With who?"

"Why?" Kurt turned suddenly, his eyes full of malice. "Why do you care?"

"Well, I mean..." Finn sputtered, "...Fridays are our nights. Always have been."

A spiteful smile spread across Kurt's face. "So, suddenly you give a shit about us?"

"Us?" Finn knew what Kurt was talking about now, but he didn't want to have this conversation. Kurt knew he didn't want to talk about it. Kurt always knew.

"Yes, us. You know, me, Kurt, who you, Finn, have been fucking senseless at least three times a week for the last YEAR? Remember us?"

Finn nodded. "Of course I care about us."

"Really." It wasn't a question. "Do you care about Rachel?"

"Well, yeah, but I—"

"YOU. EXACTLY, FINN. YOU."

Finn stood to meet Kurt's eyes. "WHAT ABOUT ME? WHY ARE YOU SO MAD AT ME? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"

"Oh, that's fucking hilarious." Kurt laughed. Finn was amazed at how scary such a small person could be. "You didn't do anything?"

Finn sighed, "Is this about Rachel?"

"Nope. It's about you. Do you know how fucking _in love_ with you I am?" Finn's eyes widened. Of course he knew Kurt was in love with him, but hearing it come out of Kurt's mouth was a completely different experience. "DO YOU?"

"Well, I—"

"I've blown off all of my friends for you. I've blown off my dad for you. I've skipped doing homework, I've quit clubs at school, I've fucking given up solos in Glee...all to spend more time with you because I am so in love with you that nothing else matters. And I would, Finn. I WOULD. It wouldn't matter to me. But you have a girlfriend. A girlfriend that doesn't know you come home and fuck me after every date."

"You knew this was the arrangement when we started—"

"Yeah, but you love me too! ADMIT IT, FINN."

"I don't know how I—"

"Exactly. I know you love me, but you're too scared to lose your reputation and your dumb fucking girlfriend. You get to live the life of the All-American boy; the good guy who sings and does sports and is handsome and sweet and funny. You're the boy who every dad wishes his daughter would bring home. Which I find hilarious, since you go home and get fag-nasty."

"Don't call yourself—"

"I can call myself whatever I want. Excuse me; I'm going to be late."

"Where are you going?" Finn looked as broken as he felt.

Kurt smirked once more and bounded the steps. "I have a boyfriend now, Finn. I'm not going to be your little boy-toy anymore." He cast one more look back at Finn. "Because I actually give a shit about my relationships."

...

"Where's my grandbaby?" Carole exclaimed the minute Rachel came through the door. Rachel kissed her and gestured behind her to Finn, who was holding the squirming little boy in his arms. Carole immediately took the baby from him and began to coo.

"Finn." Burt shook Finn's hand and gave Rachel a hug. "How was the drive?"

"It was good, Dad." Rachel smiled before taking Carole by the arm and walking to the living room with the baby, talking diapers and clothes and why they didn't visit more often.

Finn smiled. "How are ya, Burt?"

"The doctor says I'm the healthiest I've been in years." Burt said. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Will Schuester was your idol, Finn. I know that." Burt wrapped his arms around Finn and squeezed him. It was all Finn could do to not start crying. Burt smelled like Kurt dipped in motor oil, and it suddenly occurred to him to ask.

"Is he going to be here?"

"I was actually about to go pick him up from the airport." Burt examined Finn for a moment. "You should come with me."

It was the last thing Finn wanted to do.

And yet, he found himself saying yes.

...

"I'm sorry, Kurt."

"I'm sorry too, Finn. I'm sorry you're so obsessed with your reputation that you can't allow yourself to be happy. You're going to lead a very sad life."

"But Kurt—"

"Dump Rachel."

"...you know I can't do that."

"Tell me you love me."

"I can't do that, either."

"Then don't fucking talk to me. Don't talk to me until you can do one or the other."

...

The airport was practically empty with the exception of a priest and four or five teenage girls that looked excited. Finn and Burt stood at baggage claim. Kurt's flight was late. Finn was shivering, despite it being about 30 degrees warmer than New York.

"I'm going to the bathroom." Finn said decisively.

He washed his face and hands in the sink and looked in the mirror. He looked the same as he looked in high school, except with some wrinkles around his eyes and maybe a few gray hairs. Living with Rachel, predictably, wasn't easy. She was demanding, selfish, cold. She resented him for becoming a teacher because he was gone all day and she had to go to auditions for shows, leaving the baby to require a nanny. Did he ever really love Rachel? He didn't know. She had always been there, though.

He realized he was no longer alone in the bathroom. Behind him, a man was at a urinal. He was tall and thin with dark hair. Finn rarely saw guys who were almost as tall as him. He turned to get a paper towel just as the man flushed the urinal and turned to go to the sinks.

He was staring in the face of a much taller, yet still exactly the same, Kurt Hummel.

"Fuck." was the only word that escaped his mouth.

"I..."

They stood there for a moment, just staring at each other. Finn was amazed that Kurt had grown about 6 inches since high school. Kurt was shocked at how much older and mature Finn looked.

"Finn Hudson."

"Kurt." Finn's voice sounded raw in his throat. "How are you?"

"I'm great." Kurt replied, looking like he was trying to decide how to handle this. "I told you not to talk to me, Finn."

Finn already looked like he was about to cry. "It's been eight years."

"I'm aware."

"Kurt..." Finn was at a loss for words. Kurt finally smiled.

He awkwardly patted Finn's back. "It's good to see you're okay. I heard Rachel had the baby."

"Christopher Franklin Hudson." Finn whispered. "He's two months old."

"Bet Carole's excited."

"She loves him. Looks just like me." Finn backed up and stared at Kurt. "What are you doing now?"

"I live in L.A."

"I live in New York."

"I know. I talk to dad on the phone almost every day. He tells me everything about everybody."

"I've missed you so much."

Kurt paused for a moment before admitting, "I've missed you too. It's just so sad that this situation is what we've reunited over."

Finn took a step toward Kurt and whispered, "Did you ever tell anyone?"

"Not one person. We had an agreement. I was never to tell."

"Oh."

"Did you ever tell Rachel?"

"No."

"Oh..." Kurt seemed lost in thought for a moment.

"Yeah. Nobody knows except for us."

Kurt stared at Finn for a long moment. He had deep crow's feet around his eyes and his hair was in the beginning stages of graying, but he was still the first boy he ever kissed...the boy he lost his virginity to...his first love. Finn Hudson, under everything, was the same Finn Hudson.

"Well. I guess that's really good for you, then."

It was then that Finn leaned forward, cupped Kurt's face in his hands and kissed him.

Kurt gave in for a brief moment and kissed him back, all of the old feelings flooding back into his system and filling him up—and then pushed Finn away from him.

"What are you doing?" Kurt demanded angrily.

Finn looked like a positively broken man. "I don't know...I don't know."

Kurt sighed. "Dad is probably worried about us. Come on."

The car ride home was completely encompassed by Kurt chattering excitedly to Burt and Finn sitting in silence in the back seat. It was crazy how fast everything happened. Finn was never really satisfied with his life with Rachel, but he didn't realize that Kurt was the reason. He supposed he would have realized it earlier, had he allowed himself to think about Kurt and what they had shared...but thinking was dangerous. Thinking is what Finn was doing right now, and he already knew he would regret it. How could Kurt just sit there and talk to Burt like they didn't just kiss in the bathroom? He was dying to kiss him again.

"Kurt!"

"Rachel!"

They ran to each other and hugged tightly. They had become very close their senior year and Finn suspected they texted on a regular basis. Not that he cared.

"Come meet your nephew!" Rachel said excitedly, grabbing Kurt by the hand and dragging him to the old bassinet that was stationed in the living room.

"Hey, little guy!" Kurt picked the baby up and kissed him. "I'm your Uncle Kurt!" Finn listened for the wails to escape Christopher's mouth—their baby was NOT a people person and generally screamed at the unfamiliar. All he heard was giggles.

Kurt had charmed him already, just like he charmed everyone else.

Finn went to bed early, lost in his thoughts and emotionally exhausted. Rachel stayed up and talked with Kurt until 2 am, and then rolled the bassinet into Finn's old room. She cuddled up next to him in his tiny bed. He felt smothered. He couldn't handle it.

"I'm gonna get something to eat." Finn murmured. Rachel nodded and snuggled deeper into the blankets and was asleep before he was even out the door.

Finn wasn't even hungry.

He opened the fridge and looked inside briefly before closing it again. He didn't know what to do in this familiar environment. He knew what he would have done when he was in high school.

Everyone else is asleep. Go to Kurt's room.

So that's what he did.

The door opened with no noise. Light from Kurt's lamp was creeping over half the room, barely detectable from the top of the stairs, but even after so long, Finn knew Kurt's room better than his own. He eased down the steps as quietly as he could, finally arriving at the bottom without being noticed. It was practically useless to sneak—Kurt's attention was directed to a book. If he was anything like he was in high school, his room could be on fire and he wouldn't notice if he was reading.

Finn drank in the sight before him. From this angle, Kurt hadn't changed a bit since high school. His hair was a bit longer, but he looked the same; his reading glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, his nose turned up slightly at the end. He was beautiful.

"Kurt?"

Kurt's head snapped up in surprise. "Hey..." he said uneasily. Finn was wearing a t-shirt that was admittedly too tight and boxers that had seen better days. "What are you doing down here?"

"Couldn't sleep." he replied, rubbing the back of his neck. "Thought we could talk."

"There's not much to say." Kurt waved his hand dismissively. "Or, I guess there's a lot to say, but neither of us wants to say it."

"You know why I made the choice that I made."

"Yes. And you know why I was upset anyway."

"Was?"

Kurt sighed. "Finn. This all happened almost ten years ago. It's childish that we went this long without speaking. I'm not still upset with you. It's ancient history. We were in high school. I was in love with you." He added as an afterthought, "Mr. Schue was still alive."

Finn sat on the edge of Kurt's bed. "I'm sorry I kissed you in the bathroom."

"I'm not." Kurt replied, closing his book. "People in other countries greet each other with a kiss all the time. I didn't consider it a romantic kiss. It was a passionate kiss between two people who were once close. It doesn't have to mean anything. It was our way of apologizing."

Finn cleared his throat. "That's not what I meant by it."

Kurt raised an eyebrow. "What did you mean by it, then?"

Long silences speak volumes. Finn's eyes met Kurt's, and noticed something that struck him immediately. His eyes were very, very blue.

Finn slowly leaned forward and kissed Kurt. Much like the kiss they shared in the bathroom, it was brief but passionate, conveying so much with so little. Again, Kurt pushed Finn away, staring deeply into his eyes and trying to interpret what was going on. Finally, he let out a defeated sigh.

"I hope you know what you're doing." was all he said before grabbing Finn by his old, worn t-shirt and kissing him again.

...

Finn left Kurt's room as the sun was coming up. As he looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, he had to admit he looked completely debauched. His lips were swollen; his hair was all over his head, sticking up in some places and matted down in others, unmistakably the pattern of someone who has just been fucked to within an inch of their life.

He also noted that it was the first time he'd seen himself smile in months.

He got in the shower to clean himself up. As soon as the water hit him, he sighed in pleasure and tried not to think about what mattered in his life before last night. He closed his eyes and tried to devote the last four hours to his permanent memory. Before he could full y archive every inch of Kurt's body, he felt a draft and his eyes popped open.

Rachel.

Finn thought he might be sick.

She wrapped her arms around him and rested her head against his back. He froze. He could feel her breasts against his back and he cringed inwardly.

"You didn't come back to bed last night." she stated in a voice that was sympathetic rather than accusing.

"Yeah...I'm sorry..."

"I know you're upset about Mr. Schue. We all loved him, and he was your idol. But not sleeping isn't going to make you feel better."

Finn shut off the water and got out of the shower quickly, leaving Rachel inside. "Let me handle this in my own way, Rachel. Please."

"Okay." She whispered. She sounded hurt. Finn tried to care, but he couldn't bring himself to.

"I'm gonna go check on the baby." Finn wrapped a towel around himself and opened the door.

"We're supposed to be at school in an hour. We're doing To Sir With Love for the funeral."

How appropriate.

...

Seeing the old Glee club together again brought tears to Emma Schuester's eyes. She had mentally prepared herself for losing Will, but she wasn't mentally prepared to see all the lives he had touched. Noah and Quinn Puckerman were trading baby pictures with Santana and Brittany Pierpez ("Prounounced 'peer-pay'. It's French." Santana kept insisting.) Kurt, Mercedes, Sam, and Finn all stood together, chatting about their lives and what had happened after graduation. Artie was the class celebrity, who had directed two major motion pictures. He and Tina were very happy together, although they refused to get married until gay marriage was legalized.

Only Rachel was standing alone, as per usual, and she got things started.

"Thank you, Mrs. Schuester, for opening the choir room to let us practice."

She sniffled a bit. "Oh, no problem...Will told me right before...he passed...that nothing would make him happier than to have his first Glee Club sing for his funeral. I know we aren't all here..." A brief silence was held for Mike Chang, who was overseas, fighting in the war. "..but I'm really pleasantly surprised at how many of you came out."

Kurt smirked at her choice of words. Finn noticed and gave him a stern look.

"Okay." Rachel clapped her hands. "Do we all remember the arrangement we did for To Sir, With Love?"

After Rachel insisted on two hours of singing the same song with the same arrangement, they thought they were probably prepared for the funeral.

"Man, she hasn't changed." Mercedes replied as she and Kurt walked to the car.

"Yeah, it's weird. I felt like I was in high school again..." Kurt's voice trailed off.

"It's good to see you and Finn are friends again."

"Yeah."

Mercedes looked at him. "I don't know what happened between you and Finn, but he has a family now, Kurt. Don't be selfish."

"What are you—"

"I know you better than anyone else, Kurt. Just because nobody else noticed and you never talked about it doesn't mean I don't know what was going on. I'm not stupid." She grabbed Kurt's shoulder. "We're not in high school anymore, Kurt. He is a married man with a child, and you—"

"I know, Mercedes. I know." Kurt sighed. "I just wish everything wasn't so difficult to understand."

"It's life, baby. We're all grown up now. High school is just like real life, except when you fuck up, nobody's there to save you."

"Uplifting." Kurt replied sarcastically, checking his watch. "Putting the 'fun' in 'funeral' in 1 hour."

Mercedes linked arms with him. "That's the spirit."

...

The funeral went off without a hitch. They sang, they cried, they visited with old classmates and old friends, talking about the man they all grew to love. It was sad. It was beautiful. It wasn't enough, but it was all they could do.

Carole and Burt kissed Kurt's cheeks. "I wish you could stay longer, son."

"When you're the head editor of a major fashion magazine, taking an extra day off doesn't bode well for everyone else." Kurt shrugged. He kissed his baby nephew, whom he'd dubbed "Toph" and hugged Rachel.

"I'll miss you, dear." She whispered into his ear. Kurt squeezed her hand and walked out the door. Finn was standing outside with Kurt's taxi, loading his bags into it.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye, Finn." Kurt nodded, looking pained.

Finn grabbed Kurt's arm and turned him to look him in the face. "It doesn't have to be."

"Yes, Finn." Kurt wrenched his arm from Finn's grip. "It does."

"I love you."

Kurt's mouth dropped open. "What?"

"I love you. I've always loved you, and I've always been afraid to tell you. But I don't want to live my life like this anymore. I'm indifferent to everything because I only have passion when I'm with you. Don't make me live without you anymore, Kurt. Please. I'll leave Rachel. I just want to be with you. It's all I want."

Kurt smiled sadly. "The Finn Hudson I know wouldn't leave his wife and baby for anything, let alone someone he barely knows.

"Barely knows? Kurt...I'm in love with you...have been since I was 16. I love you. I know you." Finn's eyes were full of pain and Kurt wished so hard that he didn't have to do this.

"Finn...you're in love with 16 year old Kurt. We haven't talked in 8 years, and even this weekend...we barely talked. We had sex. We relived a bit of our high school experience. That's all. I'm such a different person now, Finn. And so are you. We don't know each other. The person you're in love with doesn't exist anymore."

Big, fat tears rolled down Finn's cheeks. "You're abandoning me. I'm saying the things you've been waiting for me to say and you're abandoning me."

Kurt held Finn's face in his hands. "You don't know how hard this is for me. But we have to let each other go."

"What if I don't want to?"

Kurt bit his lip. "Then you're leaving that precious child for no reason. I can't let you do that."

Finn thrust his hand into his pocket and grabbed Kurt's hand. He pressed something warm into Kurt's palm and closed his hand over it. "I love you, Kurt."

"I love you too, Finn." Kurt kissed Finn's cheek and got into the taxi. Only when Finn was well out of sight did Kurt dare to open his hand.

Finn later told Rachel that he lost his wedding band down the sink at McKinley High School.


End file.
